Written by L33T_JESUS for LNE World News MICHIGAN —I'm ready for my next interview. Today I'll be questioning lolnoteven, a former criminal. The station sent me to an address in south Detroit. I was led to a dingy street filled with abandoned, wrecked houses, with paint and wood tearing off the walls, mold caked on the stairs, and tarnish on the railings. It had rained the night before, so the sidewalk was dark and damp. The air was humid. Walking down the wet path, I look at the paper in my hand. I had another right turn, and I would arrive to his location. Taking the turn, I see something that takes my breath away. There is a massive mansion in front of me, clearly abandoned, and in a ruined, unkempt state. All the windows were shattered, and a ripped curtain hung from the attic, and something strangely green and sinister was dripping from the second floor window. All the rooms were dark, except on the topmost floor, where one bright light was on. I assumed that lolnoteven was inside that room. Creaking, the gate opened as I pushed it. Walking towards the abandoned building, I could not shake off a sense of awful foreboding. I spotted some dark stairs, vines growing out of the third step. On my way up, I call out, "lolnoteven?" "haha yea sup fam come up" was his reply. Taken aback, I walk up the stairs to the fourth floor. There are three rooms, two of which are dark and locked. I try the third one, and it leads to the room, brightly lit. lolnoteven is sitting on the floor playing Pokemon. We started our interview. (Q = me, A = lolnoteven) --- Q: So, how's life? How are you doing? A: haha srs life's ok, just came back from the gas station with an 18pack of beer, ready to start my snow days ) A: lol Q: How was it in jail? What did you do to end up in there? A: lol ok so I used to live in Canada, and I didn't hold the door open for someone at the supermarket, so I was basically a Canadian terrorist, the cops were on me in an instant, didn't know what to do, they pointed these water guns at me, you know the ones you get at Toys R' us lmao and so I got sentenced to three years, and it wasn't really jail, they threw me into these little gingerbread houses, best three years of my life Q: How's your family? A: dont have one Q: Excuse me? A: u ok lol, i said i dont have one A: aight fine sit tight long story comin up rn Q: k A: so the truth is my mom's dead. she got herself killed in a car crash in my fourth grade. i can't say i'm sorry, she was a terrible mom. dad left when I was yung, mom left me out by the curb to die when i was ten years old. almost froze me ass off in the cold. hated her, i dropped her laundry basket once, she took a damn rollin pin and stuck it straight up m- actually cant say this on live tv nvm Well she used ta down three bottles o gin a day. the day she died I was in the car w/ her, she had like 6 bottles that day, so shes picked me up from school, and i was like sup fam, n she replied "f off niq lmao kys" an' im like "k" and shes drunk af, idek and drives into a fucking pole, i called 999 and we got to the hospital, i broke left collarbone, recovered like 3 weeks later, but mom was dead. luckily i had fam back at home to take me in, my dads at work rn, he'll come home in a few hrs. his names @VivaLaVida yea daddy Q: Um, alright. So how do you see yourself in the future? What do you want to be? A: Well i mean Scout's pretty cool, or Acrobat, maybe Transporter but i prefer Lumberjack, its— Q: shut the **** up A: k Q: Let's back up a bit. What's your story? Where were you born, childhood, etc. A: So I was born right here in Detroit. mom gave birth to me in a bin, money's tight here in the motor city yknow. I went to this elementry school called "Garner School", don't really remember anything before that except that I was cringy af and said "xD" alot. in the fifth grade, we moved to Ontario, me dad and I. transferred to this new school called "fuckboi fam". It was great, until I started my life on the run. so in Canada yknow everyones all nice but ur a criminal if you dont give up ur seat to an elder on the subway or something. so one day I forget to flush the toilet, and all of a sudden school security's on me like snap, almost got myself arrested that time if i hadn't sprinted home. all of the cops were wearing furry uggs boots so they couldnt catch me. we lived in the underground back then, no money, livin' off the fatta' the lan', SEWER REPRESENT yknow. lit a fire and stayed in there w/ my dad until we moved back ta detroit. That's how i spent my childhood, down under fam. Q: Hate to end on this, but station's telling me we're reaching our time cap. Any last words? A: ye. DONT DO DRUGS KIDS lmao A: also im not **** stop asking -- Following this, I get up, say my goodbyes. Smiling slightly, I leave his room and venture back into the real world. :]
